Do I see my future self in Vietnam

Brewing my identity in my homeland sounds like an easy do. After all, I was born & raised here though I never like rice & only listened to ABBA & Bee Gees my entire childhood. My upbringing was not normal except for the bully part. Everyone was being bullied and so was I. I lack a great deal of common traditional Vietnamese vocabulary. I don’t favor family time-consuming traditions. I only respect the elders for their years living in tolerance. Their values are completely different than mine. Colleagues mock me for not being an authentic Viet. I went through public education system and realized I could not blend in so well with my weird ideologies. It was hard to be an artistic, rebellious & opinionated woman. There was one time I scored only 5/10 on a high school essay because I argued with what was given. The approach was to support the statement, not to argue the philosophical alternatives.

Returning home once again to be told what to do was not very exciting. But I accept that. I decide to influence by my presence upon my return.

I occasionally need to reassure myself that it was right to return home & work in Saigon. Stuffs have been hectic but not overwhelming. Life is busy & sometimes exciting. People have been kind but not necessarily inspiring. Parents are at apt to disappoint rather than to coach. Great friends who could give helpful comment on my life are thankfully alive yet physically distant.

There is no madness living my #returnee life. This is not a con nor a pro. It just is.

To me, Saigon is very chill. Saigon is very liberal. Saigon is very welcoming. Saigon is full of freedom. Saigon delivers exactly what I expect. No surprises mean no craziness. No offense to anyone who finds it differently. It’s just me who needs to be on a plane to stay calm & motivated.

I’m glad I did meet people with similar identity search. They add colors to my identity by their own fabulous values: trans-gay-bisexual, straight, even confused. Their identity quest is way harder than mine.

I learned about the notion of identity currency, the type of value you need to accumulate over the years with patience, passion & work ethics until it matures to a greater value then you exercise to enjoy it.

I buy into this idea of investing in “thy-self” cz have very little of a concrete identity currency in my bank. I have many other currencies which don’t easily convert on exchange. The anxiety, the bitchyness, the day dreaming, the loving, the caring, the despair, the artist, the business, the quirky. Tough to find an exit for all of that values but hopefully not impossible. It’s a lifetime kind of work.

“It’s good to have constant struggles so that you don’t hit one big giant crisis in mid-life.” #believingso

I struggle therefore I live.

–Saigon, 2/12/2017